The Ex Wives blog

I have made many attempts at writing about my oldest brother. None have been published because they always came out sounding petty and mean spirited. Last week he flew back to the US from Kiev for open heart surgery. He (somehow) managed to talk ex-wife number five (See Note 1) to fly over (literally) from Siberia to be his post op nurse. While by brother was confined to the hospital for pre op work, we have had a blast hanging out with my ex sister in law. It occurred to me the best way to write about my brother was to write about the women he married.

Wife number one is Patty, a brown haired version of Peggy Lipton from Mod Squad. Patty is beautiful and smart with an Irish temper. She should be nominated for sainthood based on the fact she was married to my brother for a dozen years. As an open heart surgery nurse, she managed to raise two pretty awesome kids with no help from her ex. This is a good thing.

Wife number two is Malona. Being just a kid at the time, I was actually an unknowing participant in the transition from wife one to two. Malona was a bank teller. My brother would use his sports car to go through the bank drive through in order to hit on her. On one vacation to see brother and wife #1, he would “take me out for a spin in the Alfa.” A spin always ended up at the bank. It was years later I figured out what was going on. He told Malona he was divorced. This was prophetic since Wife 1 tossed his butt out a short time later. The marriage to Malona was quick and lasted about 10 years. At 10 years younger than he, she was the trophy wife. They also had 2 kids. He ended up abandoning her and moving on to the next. The pattern is the next model is always loaded and ready to go.

Wife number three begs the question, what do you call the wife AFTER the trophy wife? I would accept either Carol or the mistake. Wife #3 I met but once. She was very strange. It was a very fast marriage and an even faster divorce. As it turns out he was husband number 5.

From wife number three he transitioned to domestic partnership number one (See Note 2). She was a very cute and equally crazy dentist. That lasted but 18 months before she figured out he was full of crap. The upside to the dentist (I cannot recall her name) was he goaded him into finishing his undergrad degree.

There was a quiet period with only near and long distance relationships. No marriages or ‘domestic partnerships’ were declared. (See Note 3)

Domestic partnership number two happened in Kiev, Ukraine. The exact circumstances are still vague and subject to interpretation. Apparently they registered to live in the same location, even though he was still technically living in Colorado. He made frequent trips to Kiev. Eventually they broke up when he did not move her to the US or he to Eastern Europe. Eventually he relocated to Kiev where he transitioned concubine number two to the status of wife number four. This was deemed a wise energy saving move although both domestic partner number two and wife number four shared the same mental health issues.

Wife number five is a beautiful woman from Siberia. She is smart and funny with a love of crafts. Retired, she was the perfect late in life match for a high mileage, high maintenance man in his early 60’s. As stupidity would have it, he abandoned her for a nut job gold digger who thinks she is cohabiting with a rich American. His last shot at reconciliation was the trip to the US for surgery. Happily she is staying with us while is recovers in the hospital. The current plan is to stuff him (and sadly her) in an extended stay hotel until he is cleared to travel.

At age 65 he has managed to talk a 45 year old woman to move in with him, closing the story with what is now at domestic partnership number three. According to wife number four, the stories being circulated include professional race car driver, famous actor and TV producer (my brother is NOT Paul Newman). There is a microscopic bit of truth in each statement (he did race cars in a club, he did once work for a theater company as their marketing guy and he once sold time shares for Lawrence Welk). He is famous for making unsubstantiated statements and omitting information. His greatest trick is pushing you down a path, allowing you to come to your own (incorrect) conclusion. We are waiting for the bloom to fall off that particular rose. What she thinks is a bed of roses is actually a bag of flaming dog poo.

I have no idea how he keeps talking all these wonderful women into marriage. We all love wives one, two and five. They are all on my speed dial and we keep in at least yearly contact. When my father fell ill out of state, ex wife one was close by. We sent her over to get the scoop while we were on the way down. Wife two stays with us if she is in the area. You already know we are unwilling to give up wife five, although we see it coming this weekend.

The others, not so much. Apparently he attracts only 2 models, wonderful and nut job. So far he is running 50-50.

Note 1: In February of 2012 a request was submitted to the commissioner’s office (See Note 4) for a decision on the number of times he was married. After a meeting of the rules committee, the official number is five. The rational being five is the number of marriage ceremonies he has gone through. Called into question is the Ukrainian law stating you are “married” if two unrelated people of the opposite gender register to live at the same address. In their written response, published in May of 2012, the commissioner stated:

“Under current guidelines, the Ukrainian registration act is classified as a ‘domestic partnership.’ Incumbent on being considered a legally binding marriage are the requirements of a license and ceremony as well as an exchange of consideration (traditionally rings although it could be nontraditional such as vials of blood for those so inclined).”

“The commissioners court has officially set the count at five marriages and three ‘domestic partnerships’ one of which later converting to an official marriage. Because the length of time and separation of space between the termination of the domestic partnership and subsequent marriage was sufficient, the marriage was deemed to be a new event, even though the same parties were involved in both the marriage and the domestic partnership. Unofficially the name has been changed from “double dip” rule to an “Eric Event.”

Note 2: To be recognized as a ‘domestic partnership’ he must declare a state of cohabitation to a family member or meet the minimum residency requirements as established by the sanctioning body. Since it was never declared the two year relationship with the “Boston Woman” is therefore recognized as a long distance relationship rather than a ‘domestic partnership’. By maintaining a primary domicile in the state of Colorado, he did not meet the minimum residency requirement. It is suspected there were other domestic partnerships that met the residency requirements; however they remained undeclared and therefore cannot be counted in this summary.

Note 3: This scribe submits the following theory. A meeting was held by all of the women in North America. My brother was declared unfit for dating, let alone cohabitation or marriage. A general warning was issued which forced him off the North American Continent. With reciprocity agreements between the US and the EU, he was forced to either the Eastern Europe or to East Asia Pacific regions.

Note 4: (see not 5) The Commissioner’s office is a lesser known part of the Bureau of Industry standards, a part of the Census Department.

Note 5: I have never footnoted an entry this many times nor used footnotes that were this lengthy